five weeks later :D I’m home from in patient :)
she’s hungry and wants me to feed her.
I’m trying to remember exactly what age I was when I started the eating disorder. I remember always having sick ideas about food. I remember always being hungry, and that food itself became something soothing emotionally. My parents didn’t feed us well. Or rather they didn’t feed us all of the sweet lovely things in life my brother, and I so craved. Their diet was bland, boring, and little. We were both fat. We were told by the other kids, and by our parents. I remember going on my first diet when I was in boarding school. I was in boarding school from the age of 8 until the age of 11-12. Between these years I binged and restricted a lot. Eating salad as I believed it would make me thin. I didn’t put any dressing on it, but I put cheese on top to try and filter myself from the boring salad feeling. For some reason I remember stealing a lot of food in my childhood also. I binged, and restricted for as many years as I can remember. I try not to now, but every once in a while I do. I went on another distinct diet between eighth grade and high school. I went on the slim fast diet, and at this time I was living at home. I lost a large amount of weight, and my parents were very proud of me. They were always proud when I was thin. My mother seemed to always think I was prettier then.
<to be continued>
I’ve started to go to ABA (anorexics bulimics anonymous) in search of recovery. I don’t know how I feel yet. They talk about getting sober. I’m completely clueless about this. In order to “get sober” one has to surrender their eating practices to someone else. It can’t be a higher power, that would be too easy, no it has to be someone else. I’m terrified. FEAR.